Can't Let Myself
by Base 2
Summary: Ok, it grew a plot! Xena finally believes that Ares loves her and realizes that she loves him too, but knows that them being together would ruin just about everything. Then something devastating happens, but I won't give it away. CHAPTER 4.5 UP.
1. Chapter 1

Can't Let Myself  
  
Author: Base  
  
Summary: I'm pretty bad at this, but I guess Ares thinks about his relationship with Xena and attempts to confront her. She refuses to allow herself to love him. A plot may come later, but I doubt it.  
  
Rating: PG-13, it may change though.  
  
Disclaimer: I far from own Xena: Warrior Princess, or Ares the Greek God of War. If I did, why would I be writing fan fiction?  
  
Note: This started as a single chapter, but I am thinking of continuing and maybe giving it a plot. Please tell me if you think I should leave it here, or keep going.  
  
He felt the soft furs against his exposed chest, her body on his. They were attached by their lips, all the rest of the world already gone. Ares reached up and put a hand behind Xena's head, the kiss becoming more intense. If time stopped now, he would not have cared. This was bliss.  
  
Ares opened his eyes, and saw his arm extended out toward the ceiling clutching... nothing. These dreams kept haunting him, torturing his mind whenever he let it wander. He brought his hand down and rubbed his eyes. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat up, gazing around at the lavish room that he had been sleeping in. It was in a temple... somewhere, really only there for formality; the God of War rarely spent enough time in his temples to need a bedroom.  
  
But right at that moment he felt the extreme need not to be on Olympus. Ares could not stop thinking about Xena, but then again that was nothing new. Though now he was thinking about her with... what? Anger? Resentment? He could not figure out what to think.  
  
On the one hand Xena had betrayed him and lied to him, leading him on with bait she knew he could not resist. On the other hand she had kissed him, kissed him passionately and he could see in her eyes that she had felt something. No matter what she tried to tell him or herself, Ares knew she had felt it. But that was it, wasn't it? It did not matter how much she felt for him deep down inside if she could not even admit it to herself.  
  
Ares pounded the bed in fury, wondering why he could not have fallen for someone who was not so stubbornly against everything he stood for. But he could not lie to himself; did he really want someone who would blindly follow him with not enough brains for morals to even pass in their mind? No, of course not, he thought. The very opposite was what he loved about Xena. Ares suddenly felt that he needed to see her, right now. He let himself vanish, hoping he could find her. Ares found himself beside a river, still invisible, watching Xena cleaning her breastplate. Other armor lay on the ground nearby, meaning that she was in only a black shift that barely made it halfway down her thighs. He could feel his heart leap up to beat in his throat, but he couldn't let himself get carried away. He was here to talk, that was all. Before Ares appeared, Xena stiffened, and then stood. "What do you want, Ares?" she snarled to the air. He appeared before her.  
  
"Xena, I'm not here to play games. Please just hear me out." He pleaded silently for her just to listen to him. She scowled, but said nothing. "Xena, at Amphipolis you led me to believe it was the greatest day of my life, but it turned out you were lying to me. I want you to believe me when I say 'I love you,' because I love you."  
  
Xena stood still, her eyes wide and staring at Ares' expression of utter sincerity. She tried with all her heart not to believe him, to remind herself that this was another of his games, that he only tried to tell her he loved her because he wanted something out of her. She tried not to believe him, but she tried in vain. Xena covered the distance between them in two steps and pressed herself into him, pressed her lips to his. A small moan of tortured desire escaped him, but a second later Xena had pulled away, shaking her head.  
  
"I can't love you, Ares." She said barely above a whisper. Xena turned and scooped up her armor before departing. Ares watched her go, swearing he could feel his heart ripping in two inside his ribcage. 


	2. Chapter 2

_Hello my lovely readers, thanks for the feedback! Here it is, chapter two. I hope you like it. Sorry I'm not feeling very talkative right now, so you can just read._

Ares lay on his black sheeted bed in his chambers on Mt Olympus. He was numb with... with what? He still could not figure out what he was feeling. Sadness, certainly, but it was more than that. A feeling of loss, of hopelessness. Being forced to watch the most beautiful thing in his life turn her back on him again and again, and he was powerless to stop it. Xena did not love him, or would not let herself, and all his previous attempts to force her to had failed.

A flash of light heralded the arrival of Ares' sister, Aphrodite. A cheery smile was on her face, making Ares deepen the scowl that he had acquired the moment he saw her.

"What's up, bro?" Aphrodite said.

"I'm cursing the fact that I can't die, that's what." He growled.

Aphrodite crossed to Ares' bed and perched herself on the edge, gazing at her brother with something akin to pity, but a little off. "It's Xena again, isn't it?" she said and shook her head. "I keep offering to help; just a little magic and she'd..."

"No!" Ares practically shouted, sitting up so fast the Goddess of Love jumped. "You don't do a thing to her!"

"Alright, alright, keep your pants on, I was just saying..."

Ares lay back down. "Well thanks, but no thanks, sis. Please go away," he told the ceiling in a low and dangerous voice. With a disgruntled sort of 'hmph', Aphrodite vanished. Ares sighed.

Xena returned to her camp, silently pondering. She laid down her armor, then knelt beside it and proceeded to put it on. After a few moments she could feel Gabrielle watching her from the now empty fire pit. Xena looked up.

"What's up?" Gabrielle said concernedly.

Xena looked back down and continued with her armor. "Nothing," she said gruffly.

"Xena!" the bard said forcefully, and Xena looked up, "What is going on with you? You haven't been the same since we left Amphipolis, why?"

Xena sighed and stood up. "Gabrielle, know that I would never deliberately keep secrets from you, but please understand that it's better if you don't know what's troubling me."

Gabrielle could see the pain behind Xena's eyes, and nodded silently. Xena was her best friend and she respected her privacy, but she was still hurt that there was something Xena was refusing to tell her.

That night Ares attempted again to sleep. Not that gods really needed it, but generally if one could get a dreamless sleep it passed several hours without thought. Ares needed several hours without thought. This time he was thrashing about feverishly on Olympus, instead of earth. He awoke with a start and a short cry of "Xena!" Upon realizing where he was, Ares fell limply onto the bed. He willed himself to be calm, tried to keep himself from crying. _The God of War does not cry, _he told himself firmly.

_He does now._


	3. Chapter 3

Hello again readers! I know the last chapter made some of you awfully sad, and uh, I actually didn't think about that until know so, if you'll just pretend that this chapter is cheery and joyful, you can stop being sad. Actually this one is probably happier than the others, but I'll stop here before I give it all away. Enjoy!  
  
Ares lay on his bed, arms spread out to his sides. His eyes were closed, but dry. Tear stains ran down his cheeks but no new tears came. How long had he been here? Hours? Days, even? Long enough for his grief to rid his body of all tears able to spill from his eyes. Now an emptiness filled him, overcame him, paralyzed him. As the God of War, Ares knew he was being absolutely ridiculous, letting himself be distracted by a woman like this. He knew that he should get up, push the past into the past, and engage in some kind of bloodshed. He also knew that he was incapable of doing any such thing. Try as he might, Ares could not get Xena out of his mind. I love her, and yet I can't be with her. What am I doing wrong? Ares thought, clenching his hands into fists. Well we don't exactly have a perfect history together, mainly my fault, but...  
  
Ares paused, distracted by another voice echoing through his head, one that was not his own...  
  
Xena was standing a small way from the camp where Gabrielle lay peacefully sleeping. "Ares!" she called again to the darkness, "I need to talk to you." A moment later Ares appeared before her. Xena was slightly taken aback for a moment by his appearance. He looked as though he had had his soul torn from him and was just a shell of a being gazing wearily at her through dark eyes. He looked hollow.  
  
"Ares, I..." she faltered, took a deep breath, and pressed on, "I know you love me and I think you know that I love you too, but we can't be together, I'm sorry." She said all this in one breath then fell silent, waiting for his reaction. But Ares said nothing. He did nothing. He simply continued to gaze at her with those lifeless eyes, as though he could not even hear her.  
  
"Ares," Xena began again, not knowing entirely what she was going to say. Then she broke off; Ares had taken a step towards her. He took another, then another, until they were so close that Xena could feel his heart beating. "Ares," Xena tried again, but her voice was no more than a whisper and she realized she was having trouble breathing.  
  
As Ares leaned forward he could feel the world dropping away, leaving only him and Xena and the rapid beating of their hearts. Then their lips met, a moment of uncertainty, and Xena parted her lips, accepting him. In a matter of moments they were entwined in each other's arms, Ares moving from Xena's mouth to kissing every part of her face he could find. Then down her neck to the area above where he breastplate began. Between kisses he murmured, "Xena... I love you," Xena closed her eyes.  
  
This was too much, far to much,  
  
"We can't be together, Ares," she whispered. Ares rose back up to look directly into Xena's eyes.  
  
"I know," he said, then he fell upon her lips once more. 


	4. Chapter 4

_As I began this chapter, I realized that I totally left Eve out of the story. So I'm just going to tell you now that all those times Xena was hangin' out with Ares, Eve is with Gabrielle. It is important in this chapter. And I found a convenient was to get rid of Gabrielle, like some of you instructed me, and simultaneously give this story a plot. Oh and I decided to make this one slightly longer than the others. Hope you like it!  
_

* * *

As Ares reclaimed Xena's lips with his own, a scream penetrated the night. Xena sprang from his grasp and spun around, looking for the source of the cry. She knew she recognized it but could not quite place it. After a terrifying moment where Xena racked her brains, hoping it was not who she thought it was, she came to an even more terrifying conclusion. It was exactly who she thought it was.

"Gabrielle!" Xena shouted. With one fleeting glance back at Ares, she dashed off toward the camp. Ares promptly vanished, reappearing by the empty space where Gabrielle had been sleeping just as Xena crashed through the brush. Xena glanced around at the empty space, her eyes wide. "Gabrielle," she whispered. For a moment the two stood in silence, Ares watching Xena, Xena watching the ground. Then another scream reached their ears, this one fainter, as though further away, "Xena!" Without a second thought, Xena turned and ran in the direction of the yell.

She did not look back, not caring what Ares was doing. All she could think was that Gabrielle was in trouble. Unconsciously, Xena drew her sword. As she forced her way through the forest, she stumbled into a clearing. Xena froze; about twenty feet from her lay Gabrielle. Blood gushed from her forehead, and she was not moving. Xena felt the sword drop from her hands, and her feet carry her swiftly across the clearing to Gabrielle's side. She fell to her knees, grasping the bard's hand in hers. Gabrielle shifted slightly and moaned. "Xena?" she said, "Is that you?"

"Yes, Gabrielle, I'm here now,"

"Xena, they took Eve, I couldn't stop them, there were too many,"

Xena said nothing, tears forming in her eyes.

"I heard you get up, Xena, and I went to see... I saw you, you and Ares."

"Gabrielle, I'm so sorry, I meant to tell you..." Xena began, the tears starting to flow down her cheeks.

"No, I'm sorry Xena. I didn't know you loved him, I just wish you'd told me."

"Gabrielle, Gabrielle, no, I love you..." Xena took Gabrielle in her arms and leaned down, pressing her lips to the bard's. Even as she did so she felt Gabrielle's breath wane, then cease. Xena pulled back to gaze at Gabrielle, her best friend, dead in her arms. A slight crunch behind her announced Ares' presence, but she took no notice.

Ares stood watching Xena silently. He knew she was in pain and it was killing him not to be able to hold her, to comfort her, but he knew better than to disturb her. After what felt like an eternity, Xena stood, carrying Gabrielle in her arms. "I'm going to give her a proper burial," she said. Her voice was rough and she did not look at Ares as she spoke. He watched her walk off into the woods, holding tightly the limp body of her best friend.

* * *

The flames leapt and danced high in the air, reflecting orange on Xena's tears. Gabrielle's body lay on a pile of burning wood, the fire reducing her to ashes. Xena and Ares stood nearby, Xena watching her best friend being devoured by the flames, Ares watching Xena. From his position behind her, Ares tentatively put his hands on Xena's shoulders. She did not resist, but Ares could feel her tense under his touch.

"Xena, there was nothing we could do for your friend, but I can help you save Eve,"

"Yeah? How?" she spat back at him.

"I know that she was captured by Athena's followers, and I know where they're headed with her. If you let me help you, we can overtake them and get Eve back."

Xena turned around to face him. "Why should I let you help me?" she asked quietly.

Ares gently pulled Xena towards him until their bodies touched. Then he leaned his head down and kissed her softly. "Because," he said, "I love you."

* * *

_Yeah so, I might have made it longer but I'm tired and I don't like to keep you guys waiting. Awww, isn't that nice of me._


	5. Chapter 5

_Geezy, it's been a while. Sorry guys. I guess I stopped because I can't think of what will happen next, but I'll give it a shot. Here's a little something to chew on while I put together a nice action-y chapter of Eve-saving. Gods, I said at the end of the last chapter that I "don't like to keep you guys waiting." Sorry about that. If it makes you feel any better, I didn't enjoy the wait either.

* * *

_

Xena pulled away from him.

"Ok, Ares, you want to help? Well, what's your plan."

A grin of relief spread over Ares' face. He was half expecting Xena to refuse his help. It wouldn't have been the first time.

"Well," he said, his voice becoming very business-like, "There are obviously too many of them to fight, if they were able to..." he paused, "Well. Point is we can't fight them."

Xena raised an eyebrow. "Is this the mighty God of War declining to take part in a possible brawl?"

Ares smiled grimly. "Trust me, there's nothing I'd like better than to be, you know, fighting by your side, the two of us against an army..." he trailed off, then shook himself mentally. "I'm not stupid, though. You know as well as I do that a fight is not what we need at the moment. Besides, our prize is fragile." His face was dead serious. Xena nodded.

"Right. So, what _are_ we going to do?"

Ares took a deep breath. "Well, one of us has got to distract them while the other runs in and grabs Eve."

"Even if they were distracted they wouldn't leave, they would know I'd be hiding somewhere close by."

Now Ares grinned impishly. "Not if they thought they already knew where you were."

Xena gasped. Ares' skin had begun to ripple and change. His beard and mustache disappeared, his hair grew long and straight. Within a matter of seconds, a perfect copy of Xena was standing where Ares had just been.

"I never thought that ability would come in handy," Xena muttered, thinking of the time Ares had transformed himself into her father. Ares (or was it Xena now?) grinned sheepishly.

"Ready?" he said. Even his voice matched hers perfectly.

Xena eyed her false twin uneasily. Talking to the image of yourself standing right in front of you can easily throw someone off balance. "As read as I'll ever be."

Ares reached out to touch her hand, and closed his eyes. With a thought, the two of them vanished in a cloud of blue sparks.

_

* * *

Kind of weird and sci-fi-y, huh? Ok, I'll try to be back to you with the next chapter at least within a week or two._


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